Thayer Literary Services ~ Book Editing

Funny stuff - page 3

Computer haiku error messages

 

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

 

A file that bigNULL

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

 

The Web site you seek

cannot be located,

but endless others exist.

 

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

 

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask far too much.

 

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen

dies so beautifully.

 

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

 

The Tao that is seen

is not the true Tao, until

you bring fresh toner.

 

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

 

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

 

 

HEADSTONE HUMOR found on real headstones:

 

******************************

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.

It was.

******************************

 

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist

All dressed up  And no place to go.

 

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767

 

*****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

 

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me

For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

 

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

 

******************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

 

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art

In want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep;

And thou wilt find a Penny.

 

*****************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,

Jonathan Fiddle

Went out of tune.

 

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

 

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I.

As I am now, you soon will be.

Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the  tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent

Until I know which way you went

 

******************************

From Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore

One slug from a 44

No Les

No More

 

******************************

 

 

Puns

 

The short  fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a  small medium at large.

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 

Time flies  like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your  imagination.

 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

Without geometry, life is pointless.

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?    

 

Alarms: What an octopus is.

 

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.

 

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

 

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

 

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

 

Oboe: An English tramp.

 

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

 

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

 

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

 

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest. 

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

 

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 

 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.  

 

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months. 

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. 

 

The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 

 

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.  

 

A backward poet writes inverse.  

 

  

 

Humorous newspaper headlines

 

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

 

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

 

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

 

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

 

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

 

War Dims Hope For Peace

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

 

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

 

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

 

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

 

Crack Found On Governor's Daughter

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

 

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

 

 

 

 

<< Back to Writing Help page                                                                                               Funny Stuff page 4 >>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kurt-Vonnegut-writer

Book editing  |  Writing services  |  Manuscript evaluation  |  Critiques

Fiction writing tips  |  Copyediting  |  Proofreading

 

© 1997-2015 Thayer Literary Services

Blog badge